Did my dad know it was his day to die?
I’ve got a question that’s been weighing on my mind for years, now. On the last day of my dad’s life, we sat on the front porch and had a good, long talk. I could tell that there was something different about him, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. A few hours later he had a heart attack and died.
Do you think he knew that he was going to die that day and kept it a secret from me?
Please know that I am sending love to you regarding the loss of your dad. I also want to acknowledge and honor the grief that you’ve felt over this longstanding, unanswered question.
While I can’t speak directly to your dad’s passing, I can do my best to tell about how I felt in the hours before having my own near-death experience. Hopefully, it will help you to better understand what your dad might have felt that day.
When I was twenty years old, I got a summer job nannying for an American venture capitalist living in Poland. Although I had only been with the family a few months, we bonded very quickly. I loved them so much that I even considered postponing my sophomore year of college to stay with them an entire year.
One afternoon, while we were in the middle of hosting a barbecue for an expatriate family that had just moved to Poland, I walked into the kitchen to grab a salad for our guests, when I suddenly felt like I didn’t belong there anymore.
I remember very distinctly the sensation of standing there, watching the kids playing together in one corner of the room and the moms gabbing away in another. Even though I could see everyone’s mouth’s moving, I couldn’t hear what anyone was saying. It felt like I was trying to listen to a radio station with a signal so faint, it was almost gone.
At the same time, my body started feeling all sparkly inside, almost as if I was being transported off the Starship Enterprise. I could feel myself physically disappearing from the picture, like Michael J. Fox in the prom scene from Back To The Future.
Eventually I snapped out of it and dismissed the sensation as some weird kind of daydream. A few hours later, I was hospitalized after being critically injured in a car crash. Within a few weeks, I was back in Minnesota recovering from my injuries.
We will never know for sure what your dad did or didn’t know on the day he died, but because you could see that there was something different about his energy, it’s probably a safe guess that your dad was feeling the quantum shift, too.
But even if that were the case, I doubt that he was deliberately keeping his death a secret from you. Even though there’s no proof either way, it just doesn’t make sense that your dad would spend his final hours keeping secrets when he could have taken the opportunity to tell you everything he’d ever want to say if he knew he was never going to see you again.
Thank you for your thoughtful letter, B. I hope my answer helps you feel better. Please know that I am holding you and your dad in my happiest, most loving thoughts.
Originally published in Connect Savannah (page 37)